My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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