I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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