did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
