Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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