We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
