It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
