she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
