its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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