i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
