If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
