Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
