you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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