YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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