Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
