dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
