Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
