This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You are a genius and a whore.
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