I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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