just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
