He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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