So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
