Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
