As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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