so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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