Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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