also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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