I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
