I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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