I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
