At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
