I wish my penis had an off switch
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
