I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
