He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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