yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
