If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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