I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
