He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
