you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
me + whiskey = a bad person
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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