i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
pray to the hookup gods
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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