Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
