i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
