I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
