yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
