I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
