I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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