sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
