Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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