community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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