im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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