I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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