Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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