drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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