Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
